Professor Layton and The Horrible Crime
by GeorgieSusoWasSuarez
Summary: The University's library has been vandalised by a horrible cretin. Professor Layton and his band of nitwits decide to track down the criminal. This story is basically a grand parade of WTF but it did have a good storyline. Once. "Started from the bottom and somehow managed to sink even lower than that". If you want, I'll make a series of Oneshots that aren't as sucky as this one?


Just a small oneshot until I update next! If you like this, tell me, and I might make more/update this into a whole oneshot series! Follow me on Tumblr? georgentine

Summary: The university's library is being vandalised. Professor Layton and his band of nitwits decide to get to the bottom of it.

* * *

Professor Layton paced up and down the library, his shoes making loud footsteps on the tile floor. Around him lay scattered book pages, viscously torn out. Some of them had…phallic drawings on them.

"How could anyone do such a thing?" He muttered, scratching his chin in thought and worry.

"I'm sorry, professa. I really don't know what to say," Luke Triton sighed, leaning against the wooden door. Clive Dove was with him, looking sadly at the floor. Flora was at school, so she wasn't there, naturally. Luke hadn't gone to school for six months now so no one really cared. However, the Professor wanted Flora to become the next Prime Minister so she needed an education.

"How could anyone do this to books? Even if it was just Twilight…" Clive shook his head, "But Of Mice and Men? The Ruby In The Smoke? The…T-T-Terry Pratchett collection!"

"What vile creature would do this?" The professor agreed.

The doors swung open, Luke and Clive diving for cover to avoid being hit. Inspector Chelmey walked in, surveying the scene with narrowed eyes.

"Layton? What's happened?! You were in tears over the phone!" He cried.

"Well, look around you, Inspector. Don't you see what horrible things have happened?"

"All I see, Layton, is a bunch of torn paper with…some poorly drawn penises on them."

"BOOK PAGES! SOMEONE DREW MALE REPRODUCTIVE GENITALS ON THE PAGES AND RIPPED THEM OUT EVERYWHERE! LOOK AT THIS INJUSTICE! THE PAGE OF SLIM'S ENTRANCE IN MICE AND MEN…A PENIS IS EJACTULATING OVER IT!"

"Alright, Layton. It's alright. Please stop hugging my legs. As horrible and distasteful as this is, it really isn't a concern of Scotland Yard."

The professor stood up straight, eyes full of seriousness. He looked Chelmey directly in the eye, making the inspector back away slightly.

"You may have forgotten, but I haven't. I remember what you did at the Scotland Yard Christmas Party, Inspector Chelmey."

"You didn't!"

"I did. If you don't help me catch this scoundrel, I will go to the press."

"You wouldn't!"

"I would."

There were a few moments of silence between the two men, Clive and Luke watching, looks of amazement on their faces.

"Fine. I'll help you. I'm going to go down the station and pick up some stuff to help us catch this crook."

Inspector Chelmey walked out, looking like a man full of pride. He pushed open the doors and walked out. The second thy slammed shut, there was a thud and the sounds of Inspector Chelmey sobbing and crying 'WHY, GOD, WHY?' to the heavens above. A few seconds later, he stuck his head around the door.

"In case any of you heard that, I wasn't crying about what Layton said, it was about something that happened yesterday which I don't want to talk about right now."

And then, he was gone.

Layton stood there, eyes fixated on the spot Chelmey had stood. Luke and Clive looked at each other anxiously.

"W-What happened at the Scotland Yard Christmas Party?" Clive eventually asked.

"Wait until next Christmas, when I'm all good and drunk, and I'll tell you then and thoroughly regret it the next day."

That night, the four snuck into the dark library, each man, or boy in Luke's case, holding a torch.

"Where do you want this transmitter?" Chelmey asked, holding the device in his hands.

Layton nodded towards a loose panel in the ceiling. Chelmey sighed and looked to Clive.

"Bend down, Dove."

"Eh? You what?"

"Do it!" Clive did so and Chelmey positioned himself above his shoulders, "Right. Up we go."

Clive slowly lifted Chelmey, grunting through the strain. The inspector began to bang on the ceiling with his torch until the sounds of a police siren went past, illuminating the library in red.

"The law, the law!" Luke shouted. He and the professor crouched down, hidden from view. Chelmey kicked the wobbling Clive in the back.

"Get down, you div!"

The two men also hid until Layton stood up, a stern look on his face.

"We ARE the law, you bloody clowns!" The others stood up sheepishly, as the professor shook his head at them, "Honestly. Lord help us."

The next night, they sat in Scotland Yard, huddled around a radio, linked to the transmitter.

"This is two of my nights I've spent with you idiots now. I do have a wife to be with," Chelmey scowled.

"Oh, stuff her! This is much more important!" Luke shouted at him. Chelmey huffed and grumbled about how he was 'never going to have sex again'.

"Listen!" Clive exclaimed.

There were footsteps sounding from the library and the sound of a door slamming shut.

Chelmey sniffed the air, making his moustache twitch.

"Who's let one go?"

"Sorry."

Everyone grimaced at Luke.

"Oh, that reeks! What've you been eating, Pedigree Chum?" Clive gasped at him.

"Would you three shut up?!" Layton shouted.

There came a voice from the transmitter.

"Haha, this'll teach him! Making me go to school whilst he's off with Luke and Clive, having fun and adventures whilst I'm learning about the Hiroshima bomb, being laughed at when I throw up. Having drinks thrown over me at lunch and called names…I do hate those teachers."

"Boo-fucking-hoo, where's Radio Rock?" Clive grinned. Layton slapped his hand as it reached for the transmitter.

"Well, this'll show that pansy, arrogant, foolish, sexist, cruel, ugly little professor who's boss!"

Everyone looked at Layton.

"I think they're talking about you, professa."

"I hope he shoves that ugly, oversized hat up his bum!"

"Definitely you, professa."

Layton told Luke to kindly shut up.

"I know that voice," Chelmey frowned, stroking his imaginary beard, "I can't think where, though."

"Think, Chelmey! Who do we know who has a whiny, made-for-a-Japanese-anime-girl-who-has-pink-hair-a nd-cries-diamonds, irritating voice?" Clive exclaimed.

"Erm…no-one I know…?"

"Flora!"

"No! It can't be! Not my daughter!" Layton screamed, pointing his finger to the sky.

"Did you not listen to what she said, professor? It literally could not be anyone else."

Apparently, Clive hadn't heard of sympathy or not being a total bitch to someone who's just had their life ruined again.

"Oh my God, I'll have to disown her. Baron August Rhinehold will attack me in a ghost form, and I'll have to tell him what she did and he will agree with me and kill her. And then she'll attack me in a ghost form and I'll DIE!"

"That does seem to be the case. Can I leave now?" Chelmey asked. Without permission, he got up and left. Luke and Clive looked at the professor.

"…He weed in the nativity set and made love to a shopping-centre Santa."

"Ahhhh…oh."

"FLORA! FLORA RHINEHOLD, GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!" The professor yelled when he got in.

"Why, whatever's the matter, professor?"

"YOU! YOU RIPPED UP LIBRARY BOOKS AND DREW WILLIES ON THEM!"

Flora let out an innocent gasp that would make Dahlia Hawthorne proud.

"I did no such thing! I…I can't believe…you would…you would…you…would…say such a thi-in-in-g!"

"Oh my sweet lord Jesus and his loving mother Virgin Mary, she's crying. She's crying. Oh no," Clive whimpered.

"DON'T YOU CRY AT ME, MISSY! I KNOW YOU DID IT, WE HAVE PROOF!"

"Take me to court then. I'll get a lawyer on you so fast, you won't know what hit you!"

"It's ok, she's not crying now. We can all calm down."

"Fine! Let's settle this in court!" Flora stormed out and Layton glared at her, "Clive, get me Phoenix Wright. We're going to court."

"I can't, professor."

"Why?!"

"He died last year, after being hit by a truck."

"Damn the man."

In court, Layton stood proudly at the bench, Clive next to him. It seemed Flora was also unable to get legal aid as she was stood at the other, Luke next to her as the betrayer he was.

"Luke, you traitorous swine! What do you think you're doing?!" Layton shouted at him.

"I think I'm lost."

"Is Mr Layton ready?" The judge asked.

"Yes, Your Honour."

"Now, Mr Layton, I understand that you're pressing charges against Mrs Flora Rhinehold, over her 'being an absolute bitch and behaving like a shitehawk'."

"Correct, Your Honour."

Flora scowled at him.

"What a minute. Since when were you married?!"

"For a year! I married Sammy Thunder? You were there?! You the whole wedding cake?!"

"Ah, yes. Cake-Day." He smiled fondly at the memory, "I'd also like the court to know that I'm going for the death penalty."

"You WHAT?"

"Flora, what did you expect would happen after your crimes? We'd all share some Blue Nun and some vol-au-vents?"

"I thought I'd get a slap on the wrist and some telling off! I didn't expect to be hung!" Flora shouted back.

"What's a vol-au-vent?" Luke asked.

"You defaced wonderful books by drawing willies on them and tearing them apart! What kind of monster are you?!"

"But the death penalty is going way too far!"

"Is it? Is it really? After all the penises you drew?!" Layton shouted back.

"Its a puff-pastry shell, filled with a savoury meat mixture," Clive explained.

"I'll do community service and whatever! I think the death penalty is illegal in this country anyway!"

"Not for horrible creatures like you, Mrs Rhinehold! What would your book-loving father say about you ruining books like this?!"

"What would Claire say about you leaving me behind just because I'm a girl?!"

"You mean a pie, then?" Luke frowned.

When court ended, there were several arguments, however most of them appeared to be about vol-au-vents.

"Right, Mrs Flora Rhinehold, I've been assured that you did the thing and I sentence you to death. Court dismissed. Let's go have some Blue Nun and vol-au-vents," Jugde smiled.

Layton woke up, in a fluster, knocking his hat off the table.

"FLORA! FLORA!"

She ran in.

"Professor? Are you alright?"

"You're alive! I had a horrible dream!"

"Oh, we could tell. You were crying about how Inspector Chelmey weed on a nativity set and made love to a shopping-centre Santa!"

The professors eyes widened.

"Oh, god…everyone knows…EVERYONE KNOWS!"

* * *

I really don't know what happened to this. Started from the bottom and somehow managed to sink even lower.

THE END


End file.
